Frosty Ivan

Transporter 3:

Went to the cinema last nite, and was faced with a difficult choice, there i was standing in front of the Odeon without a clue which film to see. I opted for Transporter 3, which in retrospect wasnt a great choice, but probably a better choice than The day the earth stood still! The first half of the film works to small degree adding a bit of mystery to the plot, making you try to work out what exactly is going on, although after the first half hour it falls flat on its face.
After 3 films, statham still hasnt mastered the american accent, and he doesnt even try anymore in the film. Megaton (director) has tried to add a bit of seriousness to the triology with less crazy fightscenes and rediculous chase scenes. This is a mistake because the crazyness is what defined the first film and especially the second outing (corkscrewing a car in the air, whilst using a crane to dislodge a bomb under the car….genius). Granted theres one instance where he manages to float an Audi A6 in a lake using nothing but two duffle bags, but its not spectacular.
The ukrainian bint of a costar is fairly redundant character and has a face so covered infreckles she looks like she poked her head in the flashfire (she has pretty eyes though). Eventually statham and the bint get it on and fall in love blah blah, which is unbelieveable to say the least, and the scenes of the two talking in the car brings the film to stagnation. It doesnt bring about a decent ending either. The fightscenes are pretty short and not as entertaining, which is a shame becuase statham can actually pull off a fight sequence. Otto, his german nerd friend is underused, being an actually believeable nerd, not like the Kevin smith kinda shit in die hard 4, and Tarconi’s wit and humour has been lost. Add to this the humour and one-liners from frank martin is non-existant. Megaton tried to seperate his version from the other two, but what starts off bold comes past the post with a lackluster showing.
In the end the badguy gets his comeuppance and Frank martin gets the girl.

Overall a 6.5/10. Transporter 2 is by the far the better of the 3.

It was a tough choice to choose between that and Burn after reading, but as ive seen the other 4 i thought id give this a whirl. The annoying thing about the set of films is that they are released a year apart, so as usual ive forgotten exact details of the last one. But its clear to say that after seeing SAW V, the third installment is definately my favourite.
This fifth one has more of a feel of a detective story than a gore fest and in that vain it starts off promisingly, although i found it hard to take it seriously (Luke from the Gilmore girls as Det Strahm). The dark tones and some half decent writing is carried on from the previous films, so you feel relatively at home with this film. Another annoying aspect is that we allready know who the killer is, so the films only choice is to go backwards. It was interesting how it flashed back and linked in elements from the other films, but adding in another elaborate trap with a group of people is gettin tired. Now that everyone know the rules of the game, theres nothing new being added. A total lack of “OMG” factor, as in a big twist where you work everything out, is evident and when it does finally get invited to the party, its lost and tired, not fresh and intersting like the endings to the first 3.

There was less emphasis on Jigsaw’s moral message to his victims and more about the two detectives and linking up the 5 films through a common denominator which seems a bit of an afterthought. Although there are fewer crazy traps and less gore is shown, granted a couple of pretty sick moments, its made up by an intriguing first half the film, which in turn loses pace in the second act and the final scene limped home. The final nail in the coffin is that there seems to be no grounding for another installment, until you realise the box Jigsaw gives to his ex wife (via his lawyer as part of his will). What the hell is in it i dont know, but this franchise will no doubt continue, even if it has to delve to rediculous levels and not be predictable like saw4 was.
Overall id give it a 7/10. Try SAW 3 and 4 as nothing remarkably new is served up in this one.
Better still go see Burn after reading, i will be at some point anyway.

Here we count down the 15 most badass instruments of death ever committed to pixels, celebrating the best ways to frag from our favourite games.

Half Life2 - Gravity Gun
http://images.tomshardware.com/2007/09/17/hl2_3.jpg

The Gravity Gun, or Zero Point Energy Manipulator as its also called is a marvel of ingenuity and innovation. The Steam universe of games is a wide and varied one with Half Life series especially holding many memorable weapons to choose from. None more so than the gravity gun, giving the protagonist the option of picking up, smashing or throwing seemingly unmoveable objects for their gain. Its hard to beat the sensation given when hurling a saw blade at a zombies head, or chucking cars and gas tanks at Ant lions causing destruction at ease. A notable kill is launching a radiator at an enemy’s skull with a sufficient and enjoyable thud.

Lancer - gears of war -

http://levelselect.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/lancer-chainsaw-gun.jpg

A relative newcomer to the shooter scene, the Lancer from the acclaimed Gears of War game is both notable for it dual killing capacity. A stock weapon in both single and online play it is an effective rifle at most ranges, but the most badass element is the chainsaw bayonet at your disposal. Close range melee attacks provide maximum enjoyment, especially seeing showers of blood spraying out from the dismembered corpse at your feet

Doom - BFG 9000
http://img267.imageshack.us/img267/8378/bfg9000doom3af1.jpg

Let’s not beat about the bush with this one shall we. The BFG 9000 or Big Fucking Gun as it’s called in most circles deals out devastation to the factor of 11. Providing a flash of green light and a blast wave of immense proportions the BFG is capable of destroying anything in its path, or come to think its blast radius.

Goldeneye gun - RCP90
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/36/GoldenEye007box.jpg/256px-
GoldenEye007box.jpg

Goldeneye will go down in legend as being one of the best FPS games ever. A fun and engaging story mode only added to the amazing multiplayer game. The RCP90 was every player’s dream gun. . Another point and spray favourite it hosts a hefty magazine, awesome stopping power and high damage rate, this gun is hard to beat

Unreal Tournament - Flak Cannon
http://img358.imageshack.us/img358/501/ut2007flak1oa9.jpg

The Unreal Tournament series is a classic First Person Shooter hosting a considerable arsenal of death-dealing weapons. It’s hard to choose the most badass weapon from the series with the choice of Plasma Rifle, Link gun, Rocket Launcher or Flak Cannon. First pick goes to the Flak Cannon with its awesome close range ability in both primary and secondary fire mode. Firing projectiles that can bounce round corners the Flak Cannon is a valuable weapon in any player’s hands, both old and n00b.

Turok - Cerebral Bore
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a6/Turok2screen3.jpg

One of the most innovative weapons ever put to pixel, the Cerebral Bore is a classic case of imagination gone wild. An unstoppable weapon when fired it seeks out its target skull, bores in and turns brains into jelly finally finishing off with a explosive finale. Melon popping at its finest the sound of it grinding into bone, this gun is immense fun to play with.

Quake - Rail Gun
http://www.ripten.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/railgun_header.jpg

The Railgun from the Quake series was a rifle that was both powerful but slow to use. Like the AWP its incredible effective at one hit kills, being deadly at any range and letting out a swirling stream of plasma in its wake.

FEAR - Type 7 Penetrator
http://geo.pccentre.pl/publikacje/fear/fear21.jpg
http://fear.dasmirnov.net/info/images/Penetrator.jpg

F.E.A.R has brought a new angle of gaming onto the scene with its dark atmosphere and shit-you-pants scares. Featuring many kick-ass guns the Penetrator or Nail gun as its also known stands out. It hands you carnage at your fingertips giving the player the chance to literally nail your enemy to a wall or drill him full of spikes, this gun packs a real punch.

Perfect Dark - Laptop Gun
http://perfectdark.3dactionplanet.gamespy.com/pd/guides/mission11_29.jpg

http://www.ripten.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/perfect_dark.jpg

Perfect Dark brought back the concept of a strong female protagonist, with Joanna Dark following in the footsteps of Samus Aran of Metroid fame. It hosted a fantastic multiplayer facility and had far too many guns to count. One of the most deadly has to be the Laptop Gun, unfolding out into a nifty submachine gun with a high rate of fire and large mag, although its trump card is definitely the Sentry Gun mode. Just chuck it onto a wall or ceiling and it will deploy as a drone killing everything that moves.

Awp - counterstrike
http://www.geocities.com/friendz_guyz/awp.jpg

This gun is to sniper rifles as the 44 Magum is to handguns. Providing a reassuringly loud BANG when fired the AWP is a must buy when playing the Counterstrike series. With it holding a potential one hit kill capacity it is both loved and hated within the online community for its deadly accuracy and stopping power.

Duke Nukem - shrink ray
http://www.3dvisions.net/pub/games/images/DukeNukem/601px-Dukenukem3d.jpg

Duke Nukem has been around for years and is known not only for his kickass guns but also his classic one-liners. Boasting an array of fun weapons to dispose of your alien prey, a considerably awesome weapon has to be the Shrink Ray. It does exactly what it says on the tin, shrinking your enemy down to a few inches, giving Duke the chance to put his foot down and let out a satisfying crunch of bones under his feet.

Halo - Sniper Rifle
http://img398.imageshack.us/img398/558/sniper10lk.png

The Halo phenomenon has exploded in recent years giving gamers the world over a fresh new look at combat. An incredibly in depth game it also hosts a fantastic multiplayer facility. Providing both human and alien weapons alike, it’s hard to choose the most bad ass gun. Notable mentions include the Light Sword, Plasma rifle, Battle rifle, Needler and pistol. Although for most enjoyment the SRS99C-S2 AM Sniper Rifle takes the crown. Incredibly effective at long range this rifle gives you the chance to zoom and let the Headshots reign in.

Striker - max payne
http://members.shaw.ca/tmcveigh/Projects/GunRights/images/striker.jpg

The Striker is a personal favourite from a highly incredible game, Max Payne. Max Payne brought bullet-time to the forefront of games combined with an array of real life weapons. The most badass example from Max Payne2 includes the striker. A shotgun come cannon it provides suitable brute force at close range devastating all that may cross your path, a true powerhouse in all sense of the term.

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Mariokart series - Red Turtleshell
http://www.mariowiki.com/images/thumb/9/99/MKwii_TripleRedShell.jpg/600px-MKwii_TripleRedShell.jpg

The Mariokart series is a highly enjoyable racing game known the world over for its recognisable characters and fun gameplay. Although never has such a fun game brought dread and fear to a player. Seeing this red turtleshell in your opponent’s screen can bring on a fit of pleading for mercy. Its both annoying to its victim and handy to its wielder when automatically targets its opponents with near 100% accuracy.

Thompson machine gun
http://store.apple.com/Catalog/dk/Images/TH363_screen1.jpg

The “Tommy” gun has been a mainstay in computer game scene for years with its most notable appearance coming in the renowned Medal of Honor series, with others such as Call of Duty and almost every other WW2 game out there. Not incredibly accurate, this sub-machine gun is handy in most situations providing a good dose of point and spray anarchy.

PWND! - Most Badass Videogame Weapons

With a crisp new note in my possesion burning a hole in my pocket, whats the one thing that comes to mind. The cinema! With the view of being spoilt for choice this weekend i head off to my local odeon.
A farce has taken place, Rock N Rolla has been dropped but Mamma Mia coooooontinues to be shown! Thats one choice down and now being stuck with either Deathrace, Taken or Righteous Kill.
I felt for a bit of drama and some frankly decent acting, No offence jason statham. I opt for Righteous kill hosting a considerably good choice of De Niro and Pacino in the leads. How wrong i could i have been, lets get down to the dirty business of discussing its flaws.

The opening sequence is horrible, condensing the partnership of the leads into a clunky menagerie of quick cuts and awful music. The clunkyness carries on throughout. I was originally drawn to this feature not only for the stellar cast but being from the writer of “The Inside Man” i was intrigued as i had enjoyed the spike lee film immensely.
Actually now i come to think of it, i take back the part of stellar cast. Supporting are the like of Donnie Wahlberg and John Leguizamo who do not fit at all and are wholy unforgettable. 50 cent also makes an appearance adding yet more fodder to the black stereotype of being a drug dealing club owner.
Never in the past few years have i paid good money for a potential excellent pair of actors or acredited writer, and thought of walking out within the first 15 minutes. De Niro keeps pulling his angry cop routine coupled with his  look of catching a bad smell and pacino gives a limp portrayal as his partner. The story is jumbled with nothing really in the plot or the characters to invest in, and when ever something does pop up its fleeting and brushed aside with yet more confusion. The plot devise of De Niro speaking into a camera is unsucessful at drwaing the audience in, and even though its leading down the garden path, the twist is relatively easy to spot being almost signposted in the foyer of the cinema. It liks M Knight Shyamalan but even worse, which i didnt think could happen. The conclusion drags on so much that i wanted to bang my head against the chair in front of me, no-one would have cared as the theater was almost bare. To include a little spoiler for you, the whole plot is based upon misdirection of the poorest standard and giving the two leads Nicknames. Nicknames for petes sake are the only thing holding up the dead elephant of a story.
If you want a good De Niro or Pacino film dont see Righteous kill, better off renting “The Recruit” or “Heat”. Better still just watch Dexter, as this film is a poor rip off of Dexter’s Morals!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7541675.stm

Bulletproof Bra’s hey? Lets just think of a possible scenario then shall we?
is there a spate of women conveniently gettin shot, JUST in the tits?
“hey i got shot in the stomach, it really hurts”
“dont worry, get them to shoot you in the tits next time, and youll be fine”
“but im dying, this bullet wound in my intestines is probably fatal”
“well you shud have worn your bullet proof bra round your waist then shoudlnt you!”

“The impact of a bullet can push the metal and plastic bits of the bra into an officer’s body, causing serious injury,”
Have they not seen “Master and Commander”, when paul bettany’s character gets shot, they have to make sure they have removed the cloth from his wound to prevent gangrene. If you got shot, Period, you would have pieces of bullet, and cloth from your clothing embedded into you, they shouldnt act like its something new!

And, as my friend Nez pointed out, “Bulletproof anything, isnt gone stop you from getting shot in the face!”

Ahh so i thought id update something that aired on the technical side. Well kind of, and also showing off my supreme skills of being oblivious to the simple solution.
The problem occured was something so catastrophic, that it endangered the very fabric of my being….. My internet was down. No big deal you say, for me it is. Alone in a tiny village in an area of the country i dont want to be, the internet is my release from the mind-numbingly boring days “Up North”.
Back to the issue, so internet is down. Bit of a pickle as i thought i had been scuppered by the Fair Usage/ Download limit. Only to discover through terms and conditions, there was absolutely no download limit, just bandwidth throttling (whooppee).
Step one, check the connection ( as i could actually get a connection, just not display sites or operate programs such as MSN etc). Connection checked on my dad’s laptop, well that works….Maybe its the IP address, but i was assured by someone much smarter than me that it wasnt that. OK, double check the modem - reinstall software…fail, pulled out power cable by accident, start again… Software reinstalled. Start diagnostic tool on modem, DNS server error.
Whatever the hell that meant, so edited settings for a new DNS address and still nothing.
Next thing i thought was Windows update screwing me behind me back, as it has done before.

So i come to the last resort…Tiscali Tech Support, shock/horror. Its something i did with caution. I wrote down notes about my problem, what i tried/my IP address/other seemingly useless info. I find a mysterious, exotic voice on the other end of the line. You know when your on the phone to a girl you can tell there hot, Well i had the absolute opposite. I could not understand for the life of me why i was burdened with an indian call centre. The woman on the other end asked the stupid, but necessary questions (necessary my ass, i was expecting someone with a little more experience)…
” Are the two lights on the modem lit?”
” Have you deleted internet history/cookies?” (she didnt ask this, she told me to try internet options blah blah blah, which i tried all of this before i called. But i humoured her.
After 10 minutes of her telling me the obvious, granted there ARE n00bs out there, incapable of knowing what a cookie is (Les-Grill, what the heck is that?), she comes back to me and asks about the Firewall.
Of course how could i overlooked THAT! My assumptions was that i hadnt changed anything with zonealarm, so why would it fail by itself.
Back to earlier, after 10 minutes off useless help, she tells me that zonealarm firewalls have affected alot of customers within the past week. SO….. why didnt she ask me straight off the bat, have you got zonealarm? Bish Bash Bosh, fix that and im away, saving myself some time and money.
The advice offered to me from several thousand miles away, repeated several times due to language barrier,was to contact my computer vendor for settings information on zonealarm.
Or heres an idea, changed my Zonealarm settings to medium instead of Full.
So overall, due to supreme overlook i subjected myself to the dreaded tech support, where im normally such a bright bunny. It baffles me to think a n00b on the other end of the phone is giving me advice, whereas i cant get a 1st line support job to save my life. Anyway althought the language barrier, and my patience was woeful at times i give tiscali tech support a 6/10. Room for improvement.

So this is a just a little roundup of movies that are making the rounds or on the horizon. Im feeling a little frustrated though at being being n00bs. I understand that people have their own opinions on films, but if they are just plain stupid, i take great offence. for example, i posted a comment on firstshowing about the Inc Hulk review:

I saw this yesterday on the previews, and i was looking forward to this.
I agree with the sentiment that the storty and characters were subdued a little. I didnt get the feeling blonksy was “pissed off”, or that Betty really hated the general. The Humour was interesting, didnt really click, althoght there werent that many people in the cinema at the time. I loved Ferigno and stan lee’s, and RDJ cameos. Liv tyler didnre really do it for me, i seem to remember Jennifer connolly being a stronger betty.
the first encounter was well done and really brought it home, keeping hulk in the shadows before he lets loose. The Action scenes were mind blowing, esp the final battle.
My opinion, not as good as Iron Man, (MUCH BETTER than Ang lee’s version)but still worth a look.

And heres someones elses comment. Notice how its similar yet different.

Awesome flick! Loved the story and execution of the plot. Director Louis Leterrier has proven he’s to “The Hulk” what Jon Favreau is to “Iron Man”. Even the subtle homage to the TV series was fitting. Norton was spot on. It was great to see Lou Ferrigno in fine form on the big screen. Stan Lee’s cameo was a good one and Robert Downey Jr’s was a surprise. Liv Tyler’s Betty Ross was tougher than Connelly’s. I think she did great. Hurt and Roth are two of the greatest, cold blooded villains to ever hit the screen. My only minor gripe was the effects. “The Hulk” appeared cartoonish in most scenes, unlike Ang Lee’s version. The Abomination was a formidable villain and the a$$ kicking was great. I definitely loved this flick better than Ang Lee’s version. This was the “Hulk” movie I’ve been wanting to see.

hulk review on first showing:

liv tyler was stronger (erm no she wasnt)
the effects were catoonish (um no i think youll find thats the Ang Lee version), General Ross didnt have the ruthless agenda like sam eliot in the First Film, And Blonsky didnt come across as being pissed off at the Hulk.
Andrew Nesbitt says:
lol
but without the internet, people like that would be acting like that out on the street
at least it keeps them contained
i-Mike says:
you know rachel bilson in JUMPER, liv tyler was exactly like that, a whiney doe-eyed whimp.
It wasnt that Liv tylers betty ross was bad, its just there wasnt much story for her to get involved with. Its like Tara reid in Alone in the Dark, you just cant really believe she’s THAT smart. At least me and the other reviewer agreed that it was better than Ang Lee’s version. A cool looking film, that has links to the comics and tv series. Ed Norton is impressive as well as the graphics. I just wished they hadnt cut out the 70 minutes. The directors cut is going to be great.

http://www.slashfilm.com/2008/06/12/punisher-war-zone-movie-trailer/
Looks very cool but he looks way too thin to be the punisher, he should be really well built, half way to hell boy sized.

My reply to this statement: Did you not see the 2004 version, Thomas Jane was bloody scrawny. Ray stevenson looks proper badass - loving the new Armour

And finally my opinion on the Babylon A.D trailer:

Hmm this looks kinda interesting, although the talk is that the Studio butchered it, and took out hlaf the film on the cutting room floor. Vin diesel i fear is being typecast, and the voiceover in the trailer reminds me too much of Riddick. Another Children of Men story / Transporter storyline but it looks promising none the less

Theres been alot of buzz going around the new triology of Termintor films. On slashfilm and firstshowing.net theres been talk about it.

I have one idea that will stop the Machines in their tracks!!!

Ya wana hear it

Kill the people who invent time travel. Go back in time, save john connor and destroy the machines ( T2), then kill time travel in its tracks. Jobs a good un